手機版
My teens are on notice. They should have no expectation of electronic privacy as far as their mother and I are concerned. We consider everything they post to Facebook, every text message or photo they send, every website they visit and every email they exchange to be our business, subject to review at any time.
Harsh?
Occasionally, when I mention this policy in conversation with other parents, I get a politely horrified reaction, as though I'd just transformed into Dick Cheney in front of their eyes.
What about trust and respect among family members? Autonomy? Dignity? As your children travel the road toward maturity and independence, don't you want them to see you as a loving guide leading the way, not a traffic cop hiding in the bushes?
These concerns nag at me. I think of myself as an enlightened parent (don't we all?) who values an open, honest, supportive relationship with his kids. And I remember how righteously I demanded my privacy when I was their age.
I resolve those concerns with a shopworn cliché: Things are different now.
Electronic communications have a permanence and a susceptibility to being duplicated and disseminated that the diaries and conversations I considered off limits to my folks didn't have.
My ill-chosen words and humiliating admissions from high school either faded quickly from memory or ended up packed away in closets and crawl spaces. Theirs stand to be archived in searchable databases along with the thousands of digital images everyone with a cellphone now seems to generate.
And they do nearly all their communicating in writing, a medium in which it's particularly easy to be misunderstood. Emoticons are a poor substitute for facial expressions, body language and intonation.
And then, of course, there are Internet predators, cyberbullies, scam artists, propaganda and porn, just to name a few of the lions, tigers and bears along the road.
Yes, I know. This reads like it's copied from the Fuddy-Duddy Dad's Handbook (for instance, the telltale reference to email, as if kids use that anymore) — specifically the chapter on how to rationalize one's conversion to domestic fascism.
But my job, at this point, isn't to be cool. It's to help my 14-year-old twins learn to harness the awesome, seductive power of the communication tools we now hand them — we must hand them, as they are virtually a necessity in modern life — at an age when they don't yet have the judgment or experience to use them wisely and in moderation.
And since we wouldn't want to lurk over their shoulders at every moment or monitor every digital back-and-forth even if we had the time, we simply reserve the right to snoop without warning or notice. We tell them they should think of every IM, every text, every post and every comment as containing the header "cc: Mom & Dad."
We won't listen in when they're just talking to their friends or search their rooms unless we feel we have probable cause (defined as notably unusual and otherwise inexplicable behavior).
All computer screens in our house are in public areas with the screens facing out. The kids aren't allowed to have their cellphones at hand while doing homework or after bedtime. They must "friend" us, mortifying as that is.
This topic has already touched off a spirited conversation on my regular Facebook page and my professional Facebook page (don't ask, just "like" and friend me) and here on this blog, where without prejudice I threw out the question:
Do you, should you, reserve the right to read your teen's Facebook message threads, text message conversations and email?
I haven't totaled up the responses, but quite a few parents have echoed the sentiments of my Facebook (and real life) friend Darrah Cousino, mother of three, who wrote, "Once your child is in high school, there has to be probable cause before you are invasive. It is a matter of respect."
But many sided with Mike Wean, who anticipated my answer when he posted, "I feel I have to. The Web is a minefield, you can literally be bullied to death via social media, and a loose text can ruin your reputation. My wife and I keep tabs, but rarely intervene. More important, we talk a lot about how to have fun with all these cool tools without doing anything too stupid."
There isn't a one-size-fits-all approach to teens and digital privacy. But there is one common goal: To minimize the number of serious mistakes they make with electronica before we unleash them into the adult world, and to have them look back one day and text us: "Thanks. Well done. :)"
文：埃里克•佐恩（Eric Zorn）
譯：Easonwang001
我兩個十幾歲的孩子一直被看著呢。只要有我們在，他們就別指望有什么電子隱私。在我們父母看來，他們貼在Facebook上的每條帖子、他們發(fā)出的每條短信和每幅圖片，他們訪問的每個網(wǎng)址，他們與朋友交流的每封郵件都是我們理應(yīng)關(guān)心的份內(nèi)之事，隨時都可以檢查。
有點不近人情？
偶然間，與其他父母聊天的時候，我談到了我們的這個方針，他們都很驚愕，委婉地表示了不同意見，在他們眼里，好像我已經(jīng)成了另外一個迪克•切尼（Dick Cheney）。
家人之間的信任和尊重哪兒去了？自主權(quán)哪兒去了，尊嚴又放在哪兒？孩子們慢慢地成熟和獨立了，你想讓他們覺得你自己是個帶路的好先導，還是躲在樹叢中的交通警察？
這些擔心不斷煩擾著我。作為父母，我們覺得自己還算開明，很重視與孩子們那種開放、坦誠和支持的關(guān)系。我們做父母的不都是這樣嗎？還記得我是他們那么大的時候，我要求別人尊重自己隱私時的那種理直氣壯。
對付那些擔心，我的回答很老套：現(xiàn)在的情況不一樣了。
電子方式溝通時的內(nèi)容存在是永久的，也容易產(chǎn)生傷害，這很傷害容易放大和擴散，而傳統(tǒng)的那些日記和談話，盡管也是禁忌的話題，卻沒有那么大的影響。
高中時的我選擇不當?shù)挠迷~和令人羞愧的坦白書要么已經(jīng)很快地從記憶中淡忘了，要么就被打包放在家里的哪個小柜或者空地方了。而現(xiàn)在的孩子們的呢？現(xiàn)在每個有手機的人隨手就能拍出照片，他們的言詞就跟這些照片一起存放在可以搜索的數(shù)據(jù)庫里。
現(xiàn)在他們幾乎所有的交流都是靠寫作完成的，而偏偏這種方式特別容易產(chǎn)生誤解。與面部表情、身體語言和抑揚頓挫的語調(diào)相比，表情符號代替的效果還是不行的。
當然，與現(xiàn)實中攔在路上的獅子、老虎一樣，信息世界里也有網(wǎng)絡(luò)虐童者、網(wǎng)霸、騙子、情色片。
當然，我知道：這些讀起來好像是從老頑固的手冊里摘抄出來的，特別像從有理地將談話內(nèi)容轉(zhuǎn)化為家庭集權(quán)專制那一節(jié)弄出來的。
但是我現(xiàn)在的任務(wù)可沒那么沉著冷靜。我得幫助我那14歲的雙胞胎學習一下怎么駕馭那了不起的、有魅力的通訊工具，因為那幾乎是現(xiàn)在生活的必須。不過身處這樣的時代，他們尚未有足夠的判斷力或經(jīng)驗理智而有節(jié)制地使用這些。
即使我們有時間，我們也不想每時每刻都在背后監(jiān)視他們，關(guān)注他們來回的電子交流，所以我們保留沒有任何預(yù)警或提前通知的查看監(jiān)督的權(quán)利。我們告訴他們：你們應(yīng)該覺得自己的每一條即時通訊、每一條短信、每一張?zhí)�、每一個評論都含有“抄送：爸爸和媽媽”的抬頭。
如果覺得沒有充分的理由，他們在跟朋友談話或者在房間里找東西時，我們是不會監(jiān)聽他們的。充分理由指的舉動異�；蛘呤切袨樯衩貢r。
我們家里所有的電腦屏幕都是在公共區(qū)域里，而且屏幕都朝外顯示。做作業(yè)時或者上床睡覺，孩子們是不允許碰手機的。他們必須加我們?yōu)楹糜眩M管他們覺得那是約束。
在我常用的Facebook頁面和博客頁面，我毫無偏見地拋出了自己的問題：
你是否保留或者應(yīng)該保留閱讀十幾歲的孩子Facebook 信息、短信聊天或者郵件內(nèi)容的權(quán)利？
現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)有了積極的回應(yīng)。
我還沒有統(tǒng)計所有的回應(yīng)，但是相當多的父母表達了與我Facebook好友達拉•庫西諾（Darrah Cousino）（當然，我們生活中也是好友）的觀點，“你孩子上高中后，在你動手干預(yù)之前你得找個充分的理由。這是一個關(guān)乎尊重的問題。”
但也有很多人站在邁克•威恩（Mike Wean）一邊，他們貼出自己的觀點時也想到了我的答案：“我覺得我得保留那樣的權(quán)利。網(wǎng)絡(luò)也很危險，社交媒體也能嚇死你，隨便一條短息也能讓您名譽掃地。我和我妻子都在密切地看著他們呢，幾乎不做干預(yù)。更重要的是，怎樣避免用這些酷酷的工具做傻事，我們談了很多如何用這些工具做有趣的事情。”
就十幾歲的孩子和電子隱私之間如何協(xié)調(diào)沒有什么通用的方法。但有一條共同的目標：在釋放他們進入成人世界之前，我們得盡量減少他們用電子工具犯下的嚴重錯誤。哪一天回過頭來想起這些事情的時候，他們會給我們發(fā)條短信：“謝謝爸媽。你們做得很對。”
