It might only make them feel more depressed.


Denise Marigold, a social psychologist at the University of Waterloo, knows how hard it can be to cheer some people up. Her usual strategy for lifting friends out of the dumps is smiling encouragement—the glass is half full, things could be worse—which works well on those who share her sunny disposition. But she has struggled with boosting the confidence of the Eeyores in her life—the friends who look at every misfortune as a sad reflection of their own inadequacy.

“With low self-esteem friends in the past, I’ve always assumed that the best way to approach them was to cheer them up and tell them things would get better quickly,” she says. “When they’ve brushed me off, I’ve worried I wasn’t doing a good job, and gotten frustrated that I couldn’t help.”

Research has shown that positive thinkers lead happier lives, so it’s understandable that our instinct in the face of someone else’s despondence is to tell them to keep their chin up. But a new study by Marigold and other psychologists demonstrates just how wrong this instinct can be. While optimism may lift the spirits of the optimistically minded, those with a gloomy outlook don’t want sunshine, the researchers found. They just want understanding.

Over six experiments, the study tested the effects of “positively reframing” and “negatively validating” the problems of young adults with high and low self-esteem. Positive re-framing, the study explains, consists of “reassurances that the negative event is ultimately beneficial to the recipient’s growth, that improvement is very likely, and that the problem is minor and ultimately insignificant.” Negative validation, on the other hand, “communicate[s] that the feelings, actions, or responses of the recipient are normal and appropriate to the situation” and “express[es] appreciation for the recipient’s predicament or for the difficulty of the situation.” The experiments measured participants’ reactions to these two approaches in a variety of situations. In one, subjects imagined talking to a friend after a hypothetical break-up or bad grade and answered questions about the experience. In another, they actually shared feelings with a real friend.

People with low self-esteem found cheerful encouragement far less helpful than simple affirmations of their feelings. They also reported feeling generally less supported by friends, which the data proved correct: While participants in supporting roles claimed to understand pessimists wouldn’t respond well to positivity, they approached them with positivity anyway. In one experiment, the supporters even showed more sympathy to people with high self-esteem.

“People tend to be uncomfortable dealing with negative emotion, so we believe it’s best that everyone thinks positively, and we try to make them think that way,” Marigold says.

Case in point: One of her friends recently announced a divorce, and her first thought was, “Well, at least you don’t have kids.” “I had to bite my tongue!” she says. “What is your role as a friend? Is it to solve all someone’s problems, or make them feel cared for? Not all people are ready to take on a more positive perspective.”

譯文：

鼓勵(lì)只會(huì)讓他們更加壓抑

滑鐵盧大學(xué)的社會(huì)心理學(xué)家Denise Marigold很清楚要讓有些人開心起來有多難。她帶領(lǐng)朋友們走出陰影的慣常策略是微笑鼓勵(lì)——杯子里有一半是滿的，情況有可能會(huì)更糟等等。在那些愿意分享她的開朗性格的人身上，這些方法很管用。但是對于她的Eeyore們——那些將所有的不幸都看做是自身缺陷的反射的朋友而言，增強(qiáng)他們的信心太艱難。（Eeyore一詞指的是永遠(yuǎn)預(yù)期最糟的事情發(fā)生的悲觀主義者，源自于經(jīng)典卡通小熊維尼其中的愁眉苦臉的驢子Eeyore 這一角色。譯者注）

“過去對于那些低自尊體系的朋友，我經(jīng)常以為最好的處理方法是鼓勵(lì)他們，告訴他們很快情況就會(huì)好轉(zhuǎn)”，她說，“當(dāng)他們不理我的時(shí)候，我特別擔(dān)心，覺得自己沒有做好，而且會(huì)因?yàn)槲規(guī)筒涣怂麄兌�沮喪�?rdquo;

有研究指出一切往積極方向思考的人生活更幸福，所以可以理解，當(dāng)面對別人的沮喪失望時(shí)，我們的本能是告訴他別灰心。但是由Marigold及其他幾位心理學(xué)家開展的一項(xiàng)新的研究表明，這個(gè)本能是錯(cuò)誤的。研究人員發(fā)現(xiàn)，當(dāng)樂觀主義者鼓勵(lì)那些悲觀傾向的人時(shí)，那些憂郁的人其實(shí)根本不需要鼓勵(lì)。他們就只是想要被理解。

超過6項(xiàng)實(shí)驗(yàn)研究用來檢測“積極重塑”和“消極肯定”對于高自尊體系和低自尊體系的年輕人的效果分別如何。研究解釋，積極重塑包含“安慰說負(fù)面事件最終對于接受者的成長是有利的，接受者是很有可能取得進(jìn)步的，以及問題其實(shí)很小或者根本微不足道。”另一方面，消極肯定是“表示接受者的情感、表現(xiàn)和反應(yīng)在當(dāng)下是正常且合理的”以及“表示對于接受者所處的困境的理解。”實(shí)驗(yàn)研究在不同情況下接受者對于兩種方法的反應(yīng)。在一個(gè)實(shí)驗(yàn)中，被試者假設(shè)在一次假想的分手或考試糟糕后和朋友聊天以及回答相關(guān)問題。另一個(gè)實(shí)驗(yàn)中，他們真的和現(xiàn)實(shí)中的朋友分享自己的感受。

低自尊體系的人覺得振奮人心的鼓勵(lì)遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)沒有只是簡單肯定他們的情感有用。他們也在調(diào)查中指出普遍較少得到朋友的情感支持，數(shù)據(jù)資料也證明了該論述的正確性。盡管處于支持者角色的參與者聲稱明白悲觀主義者不會(huì)很好地回應(yīng)積極的建議，但是他們還是會(huì)用鼓勵(lì)的方法去應(yīng)對悲觀主義者。在一個(gè)實(shí)驗(yàn)中，支持者甚至對高自尊體系的人表示了同情。

“人們在應(yīng)對負(fù)面情緒時(shí)會(huì)感到不舒服，所以我們會(huì)認(rèn)為最好所有人都積極地思考，而且我們會(huì)試圖讓他們那樣思考。” Marigold說。

舉個(gè)例子，她的一個(gè)朋友最近宣布離婚了。她的第一反應(yīng)是，“那么，至少你們沒有孩子。”“但是我必須忍住不開口”，她說，“什么是朋友？是來幫助解決問題的，還是讓他們知道還會(huì)有人關(guān)心他們？并不是所有人都準(zhǔn)備好更加積極地看待問題的。”