Why you SHOULD forget your first love: The memories 'can ruin all your future relationships'

    They say that you never forget your first love.

    But perhaps you should, because memories of it can wreck your relationships for life, research suggests.

    Sociologists found that the euphoria of young love can become an unrealistic benchmark against which all future romances are judged.

    Four-year passion: Kate Moss and Johnny Depp

    According to the report, the best way to ensure long-term happiness in a relationship is not to fixate on how you fell head over heels the first time.

    Those who take a more pragmatic view of what they need from a relationship rather than striving to recreate the intense passion they once shared with an old flame are more likely to have successful long-term partneship, it argues.

    The claim comes in Changing Relationships, a collection of research papers edited by Dr Malcolm Brynin, of the Institute for Social and Economic Research at the University of Essex.

    He said: 'Remarkably, it seems that the secret to long-term happiness in a relationship is to skip a first relationship.'

    ‘In an ideal world you would wake up already in your second relationship. If you had a passionate first relationship and allow that feeling to become your benchmark, it becomes inevitable that future, more adult partnerships will seem boring and a disappointment.

    ‘The problems start if you try not only to get everything you need for an adult relationship, but also strive for the heights of excitement and intensity you had in your first experience of love.

    Unrealistic benchmark: Research claims the intense passion of a first relationship can damage future romances (posed by models)

    'The solution is clear: if you can protect yourself from intense passion in your first relationship, you will be happier in your later relationships.'

    It is a message Kate Moss might take on board. The model met Johnny Depp when she was 21 and they had a four-year romance.

    Years later, when asked about the men in her life, she replied: ‘I just haven’t found anyone I want to spend long periods with. I don’t think I’ve completely got over my relationship with Johnny Depp.’

    The book has provoked fierce debate among academics.

    Professor Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University in New Jersey, suggests striving for that initial intensity of emotion can help relationships survive.

    Using MRI scans, she observed similar brain activity among those who had been happily married for more than two decades with those who had been in relationships for less than six months.

    She said: ‘I found incontrovertible, physiological evidence that romantic love can last.’

    The book also examines why people pick partners with a similar social background.

    為什么你應(yīng)該忘記初戀？因?yàn)榛貞洉?huì)毀了未來。

    人們總說，初戀是難以忘懷的。

    但是研究表明，你應(yīng)該要忘記初戀，因?yàn)閷?duì)初戀的美好記憶會(huì)成為你在之后的人生中處理戀愛關(guān)系的絆腳石。

    社會(huì)學(xué)家們發(fā)現(xiàn)，人們往往將自己現(xiàn)在的戀情與當(dāng)初熱情似火的初戀進(jìn)行比較，但這個(gè)標(biāo)準(zhǔn)其實(shí)非常不切實(shí)際。

    （四年的戀情：凱特莫斯與約翰德普）

    據(jù)報(bào)道，要維持一段長期良好的戀愛關(guān)系，最有效的方法就是不要總想自己初戀時(shí)是如何如何的浪漫與投入。

    報(bào)道還稱，比起那些一心想要重溫初戀般甜蜜的人，對(duì)感情務(wù)實(shí)的人更容易獲得長久、幸福的愛情。

    這份報(bào)告是對(duì)埃塞克斯大學(xué)社會(huì)與經(jīng)濟(jì)研究所的馬爾科姆布賴恩博士關(guān)于“關(guān)系變化”的一系列調(diào)研論文的整理。

    馬爾科姆布賴恩博士說：“顯然，戀情甜蜜長久的秘訣就是忘記初戀。”

    “在理想的狀況下，人們會(huì)從第二段戀情伊始就學(xué)會(huì)現(xiàn)實(shí)和保留。如果你恰巧擁有一段非常浪漫幸福的初戀，并將其作為自己日后愛情的榜樣的話，那么在將來，你難免會(huì)覺得成熟的愛情乏味無趣，令人失望。

    “如果你不僅僅是追求一段成熟的戀情，還期望它能像初戀一樣激動(dòng)人心、如火如荼，那么麻煩就來了。

    （不切實(shí)際的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)：研究表明初戀的幸福會(huì)毀了日后的浪漫）

    “解決的方法其實(shí)很簡單。如果你能夠不沉迷于往日的激情，你就能在其后的戀情中體驗(yàn)更多的幸福。”

    凱特莫斯就是個(gè)很好的例子。這位漂亮的模特21歲時(shí)認(rèn)識(shí)了約翰德普，于是兩人的關(guān)系急速升溫，甜蜜拍拖，相戀4年之后分手。

    多年后，當(dāng)有人向凱特詢問起她的白馬王子，她說：“我還沒有找到一個(gè)我想共度今生的人。我想我還沒有完全從約翰德普的陰影中走出來。”

    此書的發(fā)行在學(xué)術(shù)界引起了一場(chǎng)激烈的探討。

    海倫費(fèi)希爾教授是新澤西州羅格斯大學(xué)的人類學(xué)家，她認(rèn)為追求最初的激情有利于一段感情的維持。

    她利用MRI，分析幸福結(jié)合超過兩年的夫妻以及剛戀愛不到六個(gè)月情侶，觀察到他們有著相似的大腦活動(dòng)。

    她說：“心理上確鑿的證據(jù)無疑說明了只有浪漫的愛情才能持久。”

    書中還闡釋了為什么人們總選擇社會(huì)背景相似的伴侶。